goodbye

This semester and my experience working in the high school has been a real eye opener for me. I will keep my job, but not my blog.

If you read my blog and had comments, thank you. I read them all and tried to comment back. If you said things that questioned my behavior or choices, thank you too.

Teaching isn’t something one can learn to do from someone else. Yes, I can watch the teacher I work with and choose not to manage a classroom like her. And I can read books about teaching. And I can listen to all of the unsolicited advice I get in the teacher’s lounge. And I can try my damnedest to make kids care like this prof managed to do with me. But, no one, and I mean no one can prepare for the classroom until they step in on the first day.

No one can tell you how the classes are going to be. They can tell you how theirs were. But they won’t be the same, and not all of my freshman classes will be the same or me senior classes.

But I can’t wait. I can’t wait to figure them out. I can’t wait to have my own class. I can’t wait to be a successful teacher for ten-ish years and then get the hell out of the classroom and go into administration.

fighting

As I mentioned in my last blog, I have a set of students that physically fights every time they break up. It really breaks my heart. I can’t say much, but they are both currently pissed at me, not speaking to each other, and I am sitting here hoping I did the right thing.

I remember not knowing how to control my temper at times, and just figuring out that I have hormones-and far too many than I even knew what to do with most of the time. I remember wanting to kill this douche in my third period because he was so mean to many of the students in the class. And he picked on them because they understood the math we were doing..that idiot didn’t.

But what I don’t remember is ever fighting with another student. Sure, my brothers and I rolled around and kind of fought when we were little, but we were kids. And no one was ever seriously hurt. Last Friday in AVID we did a Socratic Circle. It was about bullying and fighting-this was the chosen topic because my school has had a lot of issues with this topic lately. The upstairs bathrooms are locked because there isn’t enough man power to patrol them and keep them safe. And seniors are losing privileges like leaving five minutes early, or sitting outside at lunch to try and curb the behavior. Next thing to go may be prom.

During the lesson the teacher asked for everyone to raise their hand if they had NEVER been in a fight. Three hands went up. The teacher. The other tutor. And mine. Every single student had been at fight at some point? Wait, I lied, three kids raised their hands too, but were quickly called out for “that ho back in middle school,” or “that one time we were with my cousin.” We were back to only the adults in the classroom being able to raise their hands.

I can’t help but wonder how this all happened. Is it cultural? Had things really gone that downhill since I graduated only a short 4 years ago? I don’t want to make it about race, but all of the students are black…the teacher, tutor, and myself-all white. We were quickly made fun of because we had never fought. Fine by me. I like my face the way it is, and don’t see the need for unnecessary bruising over a boy. Not to mention at a certain age, jail time if someone wants to press charges. What can be so goddamned important that it couldn’t possibly be solves with words?

This needs to change. I am about to make broad, likely offensive statements. So just quit now if you’re going to get your feelings hurt or judge me for what I say because you aren’t working with the kids I am.

I love my inner-city, Title I school, they have a need for me, unlike a Plant or an IB program. Making a difference there is far more likely. However, I listen to the music most of those kids do, I hear the drug, violence, and gang references. I drive through the neighborhoods on the way to school that they live in. I see the cops on the corner. I hear about the drug deals after school. I have read the essays they write for the hardship scholarships about Daddy being in jail because he beat the shit out of Mommy. And Mommy not being able to keep a job for this reason or that. I see, over and over, these kids go without just because no one is there to provide. I would be hostile too. I would skip school too. I would sell drugs too. I would steal shit because I didn’t have money too.

No one teaches them right from wrong. But that doesn’t excuse the behavior, or make it ok. Fighting=not ok. Serious drugs=not ok. Getting arrested before the age of 16=not ok. Being a mother at 14 because that’s how old your mom was when she had you=not ok. Yeah, I’m judging the shit out of these kids and their choices. But what I am not doing is writing them off. I care. I want them to know it’s not too late. And I so badly want them to know right from wrong, and choose right more often than not.

college is fast approaching

Ever felt like someone else’s life changing decision is your own? My students are just starting to get the second and third wave of acceptance letters. Most have been waiting to hear from all of their universities before making a decision. Then they come to Steff (other tutor) and me to help them figure it out.

She always pitches FSU because it’s her alma mater. They know I attend USF and recommend it. But I have been learning about lots of other colleges lately, and going to bat for them, against USF. Normally it happens the same way. They come to me with ridiculous smiles on their faces, and I know the received an e-mail the night before. Which kills me, we had to wait the extra week to hear, now they get an e-mail the second their status changes on the school’s website. Whatever happened to wanting to throw up just looking at the letter from the university not knowing what the first word after your name would be? Making your best friend, or parents open it because you can’t STAND to see it if it isn’t “Congratulations!” I feel like they are getting gyped. Oh well. So they come to me with two or three choices. I normally want to make a list. Not one student has come to me and said, “Money doesn’t matter, let’s just look at everything else.”

So I normally start with what school is giving them more money. Then what do they have to do for the money. There is this program called “HOPE”, I don’t know anything about it, other than they get accepted for summer classes and have to maintain certain grades and live certain places and a few other things. So if they are going under HOPE, is getting there a semester earlier and taking summer classes something they are really willing to do. Is work study something they are interested in? Where are they living? On campus, off, co-ed dorm, pledging in the spring and living in the house? I make them look at prices and decide from there how much they are looking at. Or if they are going to USF or HCC and allowed to stay at home. Some of these kids are getting kicked out. Some can no longer live in the conditions in which they are currently living and want to get out, yesterday.

Which really kills me. My parents always said we (brothers included) could stay at home, as long as we are in school. My oldest brother included grad school when I don’t really think that’s what Daddy had in mind. But at 27, he finally left. I don’t know what I would do if I had to leave. I mean, my mom can be a little annoying, but I don’t think I have ever seriously considered moving out. Yeah, she likes to know where I am, but I haven’t had a curfew since I was 16. But then again, I don’t have a child of my own, or an arrest record, so maybe I can understand some of these parents/grandparents and their rules.

So after we decide the money situation and if they are going to have to have jobs their first semester, and where they will be living, we look at their college at the university and see who has the better program for their major, or what they think their major might be. Normally we have an answer by then. But sometimes they include who else is going to what college. I can understand wanting to be with a friend, or boyfriend. So after all of that if we still don’t have a decision-I get rid of the list and tell them not to think about anything. Not money, not location, not friends, not parents. But when they visited the campuses, which one had their heart? Which one did they dream of going to for the last four years? Which one convinced them that they really wanted to go to college?

Sometimes that still doesn’t get us an answer. I find myself losing sleep over four students in particular. Both are couples. I don’t know how to tell them that deciding on a college because a boyfriend or girlfriend is going there may not be the best way to decide. Especially since one of the couples has physical fights.

sometimes i just want to scream..

Let’s run through some quick math… 7 periods with 20 to 25 students in each, so somewhere around 150 students a day. And sure, I don’t talk to all of them at length every day. But there is always at least a “Good morning!” or a “Thank you, see you tomorrow!” when they hand in their papers. Do I know all of their stories? No. Do I even know all of their names? No. Hell, there was a girl in my group two weeks ago that I would have sworn was NEVER in the class before. Apparently, she has been, she just changed her hair..oops. Oh well, she’ll be fine.

So I have never had a problem with a student that lasted longer than one period, actually no longer than 45 seconds, but they were still pissed at me for the rest of the day as any 15 year old would be. I remember high school. I get the angst. I remember getting pissed when I had to work on days that I didn’t want to, but I still did it. I can, most of the time, understand that everything that goes wrong in their lives is “literally, the end of the world.” I must hear this 12 times a day. However, none of their worlds have ended yet. I continue to point this out, but it seems to make no difference. At least I try.

So when one of my seniors screamed, cursed and lunged at me in front of other teachers, tutors, and students I honestly wanted to end her world. But I didn’t. Instead I just checked one more box on the referral that already had six boxes checked, and continued to smile as she dug her grave deeper and deeper (secretly hoping she would so much as spit on me, get arrested and pretty much ruin the end of her senior year).

I was writing the referral because she got into a pretty heated, verbal argument with another student in the class. Might I add, at 7:33 on a Monday morning, far too early to be dealing with such behavior. I got in her face, and a fellow tutor got in the other girl’s face (who was seated the entire time). And we continued to stand between them and keep one from getting any closer to the other all while screaming “Calm down, let’s take it into the hall to talk about.. blah blah,” anything that might defuse the situation. Thank god a larger, male teacher happened to hear all of the screaming and came running in pulling out the more aggressive looking of the girls, the one by me-standing, screaming louder, cursing, and moving closer to the seated girl. He told her to stay in his room for the rest of the period to calm down.

I wrote a referral while she was gone. Her friends, upon seeing this, texted her to warn her. She came back to our class a little early that day. I wasn’t happy since she was supposed to remain gone for the period. But she didn’t cause anymore problems, so I let it slide. The rest of the day goes by. She comes back later SCREAMING about how I had no clue what I was talking about, I lied on the referral, I only wrote it because she is black (so was the other girl involved-who apologized for even arguing with her that morning less than five minutes after the incident), some unintelligible loudness, and cursing, and then she lunged at me. That was it.

Obviously she is crazy. Or at least I had seen enough to be convinced of it. I decided just to ignore her for the rest of the year and not deal with it. I’m not about to challenge someone who probably wouldn’t think twice about knocking me out, or at least attempt to pull my hair out. She actually even told a few students that she was going to key my car. Awesome. Luckily, she doesn’t know what I drive.

Some days go by. Some pretty rude comments and more threats are made from her. The teacher ignores, so I do too. They continue. I ask for it to be dealt with, and for her to be punished further, or at least talked to about it. Teacher says she did. But nothing changes, actually gets worse. I won’t even look in the girl’s direction anymore.

So, I’m scared in that classroom at this point. She terrifies me. Teacher says, “her bark is bigger than her bite”. But I don’t want to find out for myself. So I talk to an administrator at the school that has worked with and under my father for 25 years, and known me since I was born. He’s pissed that this is going on, and I didn’t come to him sooner.

Crazy girl gets talked to, along with her mother-which, shockingly, is where she has learned all of this hostile behavior. More disciplinary action is taken, more anger is unleashed. Long story short.. I’m still scared. She still has 1st period with me. However, if she addresses me with anything but respect and doesn’t do as I ask, even once, she is out of the class and will earn 10 days OSS. Which will most likely (this is my favorite part) ruin her grades the last semester of her senior year, causing her to fail and-if it is something that is not offered over the summer-force her to repeat her senior year, reapply to college next year, and jeopardize any scholarships that she might qualify for.

She has been lovely the past two weeks.

success is defined by money or education

Asking me if the students I tutor are successful is like asking the pilots of the Enola Gay if they think they did the right thing.

All day in my head while at AVID:

Well, she isn’t going to make it her first semester of college with writing like that, IF she even gets accepted.. They are still making them write entrance essays right? Holy shit, does he honestly think the NFL is just four years away? Ehh, who am I to squash a dream so long as he gets a degree while playing in college. All that studying together and she STILL couldn’t pull off anything better than a C, why did I quiz her for three hours last week?! I reeeaaally don’t believe in this Cornell Note taking business, but it is better than no notes I guess. How can I teach something I don’t believe in? Wait, Daddy talked to me about this last night while I was screaming about the AVID teacher’s Teaching Philosophy. Right, right..I’ll be teaching plenty I don’t believe in if I stick with AVID. And also pouring time and energy into kids who won’t make it much passed the stage at graduation, as far as their education is concerned.

To you, some of these kids might seem like a failure when compared to other students. But for them, graduating or simply passing a test is a success.
1. The girl who couldn’t write- She has made VAST improvements since I found her in the beginning of the year. She now knows what a contraction is and how not to use one. And writing a thesis statement is no longer a challenge. Success.
2. The kid who will be the next Payton Manning- He is graduating with a 3.7 and has a full ride to a smaller college in North Carolina. Might I include, he is the first to graduate out of all of his older brothers, three of which are serving time for drugs. Success.
3. Girl who ONLY made a C- Well, she has failed the last two tests in AP Geo. After I showed her an organized way to take notes and study, SHE PASSED!!! OH, and spent a total of three hours last week preparing her for the test. Success.

You might think that all of these kids are unsuccessful. I do too on occasion, but only when I compare them to myself, and my friends. Then I realize I’m in a different place. I step back and look at what they have accomplished, or what they were able to improve on. And every single one of them, except the ones who CLEARLY don’t need to be in the program, have made progress. But, who am I to decide who needs it and who doesn’t? If they can show improvement in this classroom, then I guess it is a success. I did edit the first draft of the valedictorian’s speech last week, and together, we made some improvements, success.

But, why is the valedictorian in a tutoring program? He is probably pretty smart, and developed study habits early in his schooling. So what business does he have getting extra help? Well, I don’t have an answer. And his speech is the only thing I have ever helped him with-other than applying for college, and searching for scholarships. But, whatever, he doesn’t cause trouble, he is quiet, he calls me ma’am (still getting used to this one), and he ran to McDonalds that one time and brought me back a caramel latte. He can stay.

When people ask me if the misguided, jaded, underprivileged, tainted, ill-mannered kids at my Title 1 school are successful, I proudly say yes-and know that my definition of success is different than theirs.

cutting 12th grade...

Who needs senior year? I mean, it’s when we start to slack because after 13 years of schooling, we’re tired. Are we really taking challenging classes? Or are we just filling out college and scholarship applications. Senior year is when we can finally breathe, because “it’s almost over”. Well, actually, it’s just beginning.

Our senior year of high school is critical. Senior year is spent mentally preparing for college. Senior year means insuring our GPA is where it needs to be. Senior year means securing those college acceptances and scholarship opportunities. I’ll admit, I didn’t learn many “scholarly” things the second half of my senior year. But I sure did write a lot of college entrance essays, and spent a lot of time researching where I wanted to spend the next four (I’m currently attending USF-so FIVE) years.

So when Sen. Chris Buttars, of Utah, actually thinks that cutting senior year is a legitimate budget cut, I kinda wanna punch him in the face a little bit. Journalist Amy Stewart reports:

He made a dramatic pitch during Monday's Public Education Appropriations Subcommittee meeting, saying killing off 12th grade would save the state $102 million."You're spending a whole lot of money for a whole bunch of kids who aren't getting anything out of that grade," Buttars said. "It comes down to the best use of money."

Also, I’d just like to point out that junior year will become the new senior year. Kids will just mentally check out earlier. I tutor some football players that signed with their college of choice two weeks ago. Yeah, getting them to do any work right now is pretty challenging because they know all they have to do is graduate. But as long as they are showing up, putting in just a little effort and playing the “school game” just enough to please me, then I’m happy. I don’t need A+’s right now, I just need them to participate. And, well, they busted their asses on the field and in the classroom to get where they are right now so I’ll let them take a little break before their freshman year of college where they will be crying to come back home. They deserve it. Students deserve a senior year. It’s a little R&R before a whole new place and a whole new game is the focus.

So, Sen. Buttars, shove it. Maybe you and your job should be on the budget cut list.

dealing with parents is best when they aren't drunk

Take ‘em out back, line ‘em up, and blow their heads off.. Drunk soccer and cheerleader moms, of course, not my students. I love my second job. Bar tending is USUALLY the easiest, fast-paced, fun money one can make. But sometimes, like this weekend, we have the most useless bunch of prols staying in the hotel (I work at a hotel bar). 46 15-16 year old soccer playing males, 83 14-15 year old stunt practicing (IN MY LOBBY!) annoying girls. But that’s the part I can ignore. What I can’t ignore are their belligerent moms spilling cosmos and beer nuts all over the place. I actually closed the bar early as to not get fired for knocking some mini-van driving, irresponsible, excuse for a mother out. Patience is something that the classroom can teach over time. But last night, my patience was nowhere to be found. I’ll admit, the one other idiot I was working with (Chris) has put in his two weeks, so he doesn’t care about much right now, and I KNOW that didn’t help my mood last night. But after I caught one soccer player, and one cheerleader all but having sex in a back stairway while their wine chugging mothers were falling off of a stool at my bar, I was just about ready to start giving parenting lessons. But instead, I told the kids to take the party upstairs, cashed both their mothers out and had them escorted to their rooms for the night. I am almost hoping the kids were in one of the rooms finishing up what they started on the stairs.


Last call wasn’t mentioned; I just started putting liquor bottles away and passed out checks. I told them the lights would be out in five minutes. And then ever so pleasantly reminded them that their children had to be at the fairgrounds in less than six hours, and that our front desk has a wakeup call service that I strongly suggested they use. Chris was PISSED. So were three mothers. The rest did shoddy math on the backs of receipts; they still got their totals wrong. The three moms were convinced I was supposed to be open for another hour, and they were correct. And I might have reconsidered, gone to the back and taken another shot, and stayed for the next hour simply for the money and to laugh when I hear about all the kids who didn’t make it to their early tournament because their mothers don’t drink like this but twice a year and were not able to get out of bed. But the women, two who had on watches, and all three cell phones sitting on the counter couldn’t prove what time it was. FAIL. You lose bitch, go to bed. Chris was pissed because he was missing out on an hour of tips, I told him to take a look at his signed checks, and that the next hour wouldn’t be worth it. I thought he was pissed when I told him we were closing, well he was at an all new level of pissed when he saw how much money these moms weren’t leaving. I just laughed at his shocked face and continued re-corking wine bottles.


Now, normally I only have to deal with business men, as we are located in a business park. And these men stay for one or two weeks at a time, so they take good care of their hotel staff, as anyone sleeping, eating, and drinking in the same place for two weeks would. I love them. When they get drunk they just quietly walk upstairs to bed. They don’t spill shit. They don’t order martinis. And they don’t forget to put their kids to bed for an early competition the next day.
So, after a night like this I remember why I’ll be teaching one day. Because those kids look up to me. Those kids listen when I have something to say. Those kids NEED help, and normally ask for it. Those kids can still be saved from becoming drunken soccer moms.


We had Valentine’s Day parties on Friday with all but the Freshman classes. They brought me Valentines. It was so cute. But I was sure to not let the teacher find out that I got, overwhelmingly, more cards and candy from her students than she did. Maybe if she had their respect, and was a little nicer… I love my AVID kids. They are the best. I can’t wait to go in on Monday morning and tutor young minds that appreciate what they do have, because it isn’t much. However, Sunday night, I’ll be working a soccer banquet that starts at nine, and is supposed to go until midnight. Including, you guessed it, a CASH BAR. Yeah, that’ll be closing early.

choosing to tutor

Why do I choose to tutor? Because part of me can still see potential in every student. Part of me can still imagine improvement in even the seemingly hopeless ones. Part of me does this because I feel that the education system is ready for a change and it has to start somewhere. But mostly I do it because it is conducive to my schedule, pays pretty well, is convenient, and honestly is good experience for when I teach.

I have seen all kinds of teachers. Good examples, bad examples, teachers that have no business in the classroom, teachers that just want to be their student’s friends. I have chosen to mentally note the good qualities of teachers I find productive, and also the qualities I plan on never acquiring. I have seen teachers walk in on the first day and get eaten alive, the next ten months was quite hard to watch. But I have seen also teachers walk into classrooms that other teachers have quit on and turned the students around in just one lecture on behavior and respect. That is who I want to be.

Before I started working at a Title 1 school, I never, EVER, in ONE BILLION YEARS dreamed that I could step into a classroom full of students that look nothing like me and are only two years younger and make them listen and have their respect. But beyond respect, they look up to me. Yes, I help them with their school work, that is my job, but I also have helped them with personal problems in their lives when they did not think they had anyone else to go to. They trust me completely, they put me on a pedestal, and they honestly think I have all of the answers; so quite frequently, I pretend I do.

I realize that tutoring is different from teaching in that I am only reinforcing a concept, and the classes are not mine. The teacher is in the room working with students one on one. But getting the students into groups keeping them focused on the tutorial while I am helping another group is no easy feat. High schoolers have a very short attention span, this is something that I have learned to accept. I have also learned to accept that some days they won’t work in groups and as long as they are QUIETLY working on their homework, listening to an iPod that isn’t the end of the world. I have also accepted that some of them are going to fail, and it isn't worth my effort. You can’t save 'em all. Which works for me, because someone needs to be making the frostys at Wendy's.

I have seen a lot of things that will be helpful when I do have my own classroom. I have seen the promise in some of these kid’s eyes. It is something that is pretty encouraging. Yes, the 1st graders learning the numbers and letters is adorable and they get more excited than Grandma on BINGO night, but nothing beats knowing you turned a kid's life around because you asked a few questions and pointed them in the right direction after showing them that all hope is NOT lost, and that’s why I do it.

drop outs

Dropout rates have slowly but surely been declining for the past twenty or so years. But think back to high school. Remember that one sketchy kid who was always at the lunch table two down from you and all of your friends? Or that one girl who sat in the back of the classroom painting her nails and talking about selling drugs instead of the book we were supposed to have finished the night before? Well, they can’t all be saved. That creeper from the lunchroom dropped out, and is working overnight at a warehouse to buy food and diapers for his little girl that he fathered with that girl who never read the books. Oh, and she is still dealing, but just when her mom watches their baby. We wouldn’t want her little mind corrupted now would we?

It is true, most kids have to want to be helped. And if their school counselors look in the right places all of the help and support they could ever want or need is there at their fingertips. It just needs to be implemented. Right, the school system has its problems, and redundancies, and corruptions. But, come one, it is supposed to be about the kids, right?. (I will soon give up this fantasy that all teachers and anyone in education would do anything for their students, but I’m fine imagining it for now.) I understand that certain students get in the way, and frustrate teachers beyond comprehension, but some teachers still just want nothing more than to reach out and help that “problem child” any way they can because they might have seen a potential that no one else did for the past fifteen years of that child’s schooling.

Scholarships, after school programs, sports, and free tutoring are just some of the options that these students that don’t seem to have a future can reach out to and receive help from. With the help of something even as simple as getting a kid to join the track team can turn a life around. Soon his grades will improve or he won’t be participating in the race this weekend, and kicked off the team if it occurs more than a few times. He will be at school for a few hours after the final bell ensuring he isn’t getting into any trouble on the streets or hanging out with the local riff raff. And he will have something to be proud of and believe in, himself. Viola. A “problem child” or “at risk” kid is saved from a life of poor decision and consequences.

I would love to think that all of my students in the AVID program I tutor for will get full rides (a very high percent qualify for at least 75% scholarship from grades and SAT scores alone, not even including sports and minority opportunities), attend, and graduate from colleges all over the US and have lifelong careers doing something they love. I know this won’t be the case. However, I know that all of them won’t attend college and all of the hard work and cheerleading I did for them will be for nothing. At least I can say I tried.

first blog

“You will be keeping a blog for this class,” isn’t exactly what I was expecting to hear on my first day in expository writing. “Ok, guess I’ll roll with it..”

The community I have chosen to join consists of teachers and tutors. As a tutor I realize my job is not to teach the original concept, but to answers questions and ensure the students fully understand it and are able to apply it. I feel my job is equally as important. Teaching a concept to a classroom is one thing, but ensuring the students grasp and are able to apply the concept is another. I am following several teacher’s blogs about what goes on in their classroom, a Tampa tutor who blogs about kids he tutors, and another AVID tutor’s blog. It should be noted the AVID is the program I work for. The program is new. It involves tutoring “at risk” high school students whose parents either did not go to college, or did not graduate high school. They are likely the first in their family to be graduating high school and likely do not think college is an option and do not know how to apply for college or realize that more people than they think take out student loans, and fill out scholarship applications on the daily. These AVID students are contractually bound to good grades and high attendance. Tutoring this one type of student should make it easy to judge whether or not the program is or is not working.

The general plan for my blog will consist of four factors: how the tutoring is and/or is not helping to prepare me for when I am teaching high school in two years, and if I believe the program is and/or is not helping he students I tutor. The students I am working with are a very select group of children. They a) want to be in the program, b) are contractually bound to show positive gains in school, and c) will be kicked out if they do or say anything inappropriate or offensive on any level. I realize that a real high school is nothing like this, but I will be able to tell if I become better at communicating with students on their level. This is not to say that I am so far removed from a high school student’s level at 21, or 23 when I begin teaching, but there will be huge differences between my students myself at that point. An issue that I plan to tackle in my blog will be judging if the program seems to help the students. I plan to assess if any of them are applying for college, if they are keeping their grades up, if the contract is enforced, if they seem to enjoy school more after joining the program and are able to get the help they need in school and preparing for college. The hard part is going to be keeping in mind that these students do not come from the same supportive and helpful home that I do, and staying patient with them and making sure we never miss a step when preparing for college.